Control Or loss of
by scratchrabbit
Summary: GojyoxHakkai. Character death. Angst,liquor and violence. --- Gojyo grows dark over his brothers death, and takes it out the worst way possible. On Hakkai.


My first time writing a Saiyuki fic. Its kind of scattered, but I was in a very dark mood. -I do not own Saiyuki, the characters of Saiyuki or a horribly twisted mind. Well, maybe a horrible twisted mind. Blah blah Disclaimer.-

-------------

Gojyo threw back another shot, the liquor just a dull warmth rolling down his throat and into his stomach, reuinited with the rest of the bottle. It didn't even burn, the taste barely lingered in his dry mouth. He had downed another one before that, and his entire body was numb. His mind was anything but.  
It felt like someone had put his thoughts into meat grinder, they were raw and throbbing. No matter which way he turned, especially inwardly, the hurt was still there.  
A pain he hadn't known he could feel.

Daigouji.  
Dead.  
His half brother. No, his big brother. His only remaining family. His savior, his enemy. They had ended up on oposite sides, but they would always be flesh and blood. Despite the fact they had walked seperate paths, and followed different dreams.. The connection would always be there. And he and Gao tried to maintain it, as well as they could on popsite sides. The bond of kinship, even with Gojyo's practical view of life, was something he believed in. Even if his 'mother' had tried to end his life.  
But, that was the past.  
He had gotten over it. It was done and done. No more important then last week's game of poker.

This was the present. Gao, who he had seen just this morning, was gone. His brains strewn about the bottom of a cliff. His bloody and broken body was just a piece of meat, for the crows. His handsome face, split. His serious and thoughtful eyes, glazed over with the sight of death. Kougaiji had came. His expression was troubled, his gaze far away. He had murmered the news to Gojyo. Then he had shuffled away, looking anything but the arrogant demon-brat Gojyo had came to grudgingly respect.

Youkai. A whole shitload of them, apparently. It wouldn't of been enough to overcome Gao, he was tough. But.. he hadn't died fighting. He hadn't even been give the opportuntity to protect himself. They had rushed him, out of nowhere.. pushing him to the edge of the cliff. Crazed, no more then a thoughtless mob. And he had fallen. Big brother or not, no man can fly. And neither can a demon.  
There were rocks at the bottom. The pulp they had been sent to retrieve, was a sad remainder of such a big guy.

There was no more liquor. He had finished it all.  
Hakkai wasn't much of a drinker, he barely kept the cupboards stocked. Sanzo and Gao had finished most of it off this morning, while playing Mah Jong. There was nothing to keep the smouldering, dark pain that scared the shit out of him at bay now.  
Not that drinking had helped, but hell, it was better then staring at his hands while Hakkai tried to baby him.  
The brunette had gone out earlier, though only because there was no food in the house.  
Gojyo wondered darkly when his best friend, and partner, would be back. He wasn't sure whether he wanted another person around during his hard,drunk version of mourning.  
One part of him took some comfort in thinking Hakkai might understand what he felt, the dark part of him wanted to push everyone and everything for him. Gorging on his own pity, guilt and anger. It probably wasn't helping things, but for the moment it took his mind away from the reality of all this shit.

"I'm home! I bought cigaretes for you Gojyo."

Hakkai must really know how shitty he felt then, if he had temporarily stopped dogging Gojyo to break the habit.  
His friend cast sympathetic green eyes upon Gojyos tired,unshaven face. He looked worried, and annoyingly calm. Why didn't he look angry, or even struck with grief? He just looked like Hakkai. His lips pressed into a unabrasive smile, one long fingered hand playing through his short hair and pulling it back from his face.

"Yeah, thanks. Like a pack of cigs is gonna bring my bro back."

Hakkai's expression didn't change. Gojyo smouldered at the fact he hadn't even batted an eyelash, his smile never faltered. He was so goddamn solid. Untouchable. He made Gojyo feel week, and whiny. Wallowing in his own self-pity didn't have the same comfort it had only minutes before.

"Well, I thought it might help a little... I think the last thing you need is me nagging at you." A soft chuckle, as he put the bags of groceries away.

Hakkai was ..laughing. How dare he laugh? Especially in front of him. Gojyo's breath tasted bitter, it hurt to breathe. Like a hand was squeezing his heart, and simultaneously punching him in the gut. There was no way he could speak. Despite the fact he was drunk, it was just so easy to reach out and grab his room-mate by the wrist.  
Pulling Hakkai to where he sat, his grip was iron.  
There was barely a hint of surprise in those green eyes, no change in gentle expression. What was he tryig to prove, that Gojyo was weaker? The redhead tightened his grip, then twisted. It was simple to recall a simple hold Hakkai had taught him once, and force his friend down upon the table. Now Hakkai looked surprised, his arm twisted behind his back, then up at an awkward angle.

"Stop laughing at me. Stop it now." Now, Hakkais eyes showed a flicker of confuson..then a little fear. Gojyo's breath reeked of rum and whatever else had been in the cupboard. He pulled Hakkais wrist a little higher up on his back, rewarded by the hiss of pain that escaped from those soft lips. The liquor had let that scary, smouldering anger take over..had swiftly grabbed the reins of coherent thought from the hurting half-breed.  
The power he held over the younger man beneath him, was now intoxicating. Instead of feeling like he was the one being jerked around by life, he felt some control now. Hakkai was saying something, but Gojyo couldn't hear it. Blood roared in his ears, deafening him to everything and anything.

A push then, he let go abruptly and shoved the Youkai down into the table, with enough force to send them both flying. Hakkai landed heavily on his side, the table flew to another corner of the room. Before the young man could recover, Gojyo was there. Wrenching him up by the collar of his shirt, throwing him against the wall.

Those pleading eyes. They were mocking him. His hand didn't even sting as he backhanded the other, redness apearing suddenly on his pale cheek. He was so light. Gojyo needed only to use one hand to shake him, bang his head against the wall. He slumped now, but that wasn't enough. He needed more. More of whatever violence gave him, and outlet for the hurt and anger and frustration.

He let Hakkai fall to the ground in a pile, like a discarded toy. At Gojyo's mercy. The fire in his chest that liquor and anger had created, grew. It was better than feeling hollow. He wanted to feel completely satisfied, he wanted to feed the flames.

If one could think of Gojyo as two personalities in one body because of his mixed heritage, one could say the human Gojyo had been driven away by the demon long ago. And he wasn't in a hurry to come back.

The fabric of Hakkai's clothing barely had the consistency of tissue beneath Gojyo's fingers, ripped away without so much as a thought. Ribbons of green were all that covered a heaving, narrow chest. Ribbons of red threaded down one side of Hakkai's face, smeared over smooth skin. Gojyo was glad his eyes were half open, he was stunned, but awake. His lips moved , but everything was muted aside from Gojyo heavy panting. He released himself from his own clothing.Enjoying the sight of his own muscular,tanned body compared to the paler, more slender form of his friends beneath him.

Shoving the brunette back down against the battered wood of the apartment floor, he drove inside of him. Ignoring the arch of Hakkai's back as he silently cried in pain, his hands seeking to push Gojyo away. Forcing his way to climax, he clamped his hands on either one of Hakkai's thighs, holding them immobile. Finally, he emptied himself, slumping down heavily upon his unwilling partner.  
The rage within him was still searing, but seemed to have quieted somewhat. After a grunt, he removed himself and stood slowly, weaving on his feet.

Hakkai was blurry. Not that he was even thinking about him anymore. Past the fact he finally felt sated, and tired. And a very real, very physical pain pounding in his temples. As he wandered his way to bed, he noticed his chest stung as well, and back. Long raking furrows had been dug by nails, bleeding and raw. Where had those come from again? Gojyo couldn't remember. Falling onto his abused mattress, he immediately fell into unconsciousness.

------------------------------------

Hakkai willed himself to stand. Steeled himself against the pain and bit his lower lip. Bleeding himself to death on the floor wouldn't help anything. It probably wasn't a good idea to try and sleep either, since he most likely had a concussion. Stay awake, and clean himself up. It was hard to focus his healing energies on any one place. He was raw and bleeding on the inside, and out. The most important injuries were internal though, where things had been torn and bled heavily. Splaying one hand over his lower abdomen, he felt a faint warmth, like a butterflies kiss. But at the same time, a sensation that was akin to his energy being sucked out, like a leech. The mending of flesh wasn't a difficult thing, concentrating when in severe pain was. After that, he could only spare enough Chi to make sure nothing serious had happened to his rapped skull. The rest had to be done manually, by hand.

Lifting the table and sitting down with great care, he let his chin fall upon his chest. One more thing to be done. Before he could finally drift into a healing sleep, and try to forget. Try to forgive. His tired mind could focus on one more thing at least..

------------------------

Gojyo sat down heavily upon a chair at the table, a splitting headache making him moan dramatically. Jesus, he didn't remember going to a bar last night to drink off the pain of his brothers death, but he must of gotten in a brawl. His muscles were sore, he had some really odd scratches too. Pulling a cigarete from his pocket, he looked up as his best friend entered the room. The cig fell from his mouth onto the table, crimson eyes wide.

"Jesus christ Hakkai, what the fuck were you up to while I was out? You look like death bloody warmed over."

Hakkai laughed softly, turning on the coffee maker. He walked gingerly, and sat down with less grace then usual. A tired smile touched upon his lips, and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Maa maa.. don't you worry about it Gojyo. Clutzy me, I fell down the stairs trying to carry all the groceries by myself.

Gojyo frowned, picking up the cancer-stick again and lighting it. His thoughts felt alot more sorted and clear this morning, definitely an improvement. "Damn, I can't leave you alone one minute can I?"

"Ano... I guess not."

-Fin.- 


End file.
